last night before ben and i were about to fall asleep i started to cry.
i couldnt help it.. i tried so hard not to, and i tried so hard not to let him know.
i dont like crying in front of others, doesnt matter who it is, i just dont like it.
anyways, i was crying. he didnt know.. until, he felt my face.
ugh. i dont like crying in front of others.
he asked what was wrong and i couldnt speak or id just start bawlin
so i whispered that i love him.
he told me thats not something to cry about, its something to be happy about.
ugh i love him too much.

the reason i was crying? well since you asked..
i am gonna miss that boy way to much. it breaks my heart knowing i wont be able to see him every day, and sleep nxt to him every night. it breaks my heart to know he wont be there when i need him, or when he might need me. i love every second we spend together..

ive been crying about this every night before sleeps.
i know crying wont solve anything, but its all i can do really.
i want him in my life, for all of my life.
i dont ever wanna lose this boy
( im in tears just writing this )

(after you have a few relationships you arent as vulnerable and naive
as you were the first time you thought you loved someone..
after you have a few relationships you become very cautioned and careful
and always look for signals of how long the relationship will last.
you look to see if youd get bored of this person, or if youd get hurt...
you never even consider forever after its been said so many times before)

i feel different though. i dont see myself ever getting bored, i dont see myself ever getting hurt. or losing my self, losing my friends or losing my life. i see myself growing beside this boy, not just aging but growing as a person and hes not gonna hold me back, and i wont hold him back. hes gonna grow too and i cant wait to see the artist he will become.
hes such an amazing person. amazing. funny. creative. beautiful inside and out.
i cant believe i got so lucky and met him. i cant believe how much my life has changed since i met him. i cant believe how much i love him.

wow this was such an uncoordinated rant